Identity, Innocence and Revenge
by Mr Inconspicuous
Summary: Sirius Black, imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit, struggles to stay sane and find some purpose in his life.


Identity, Innocence and Revenge.

By Mr Inconspicuous.

Sirius Black, imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, struggles to stay sane and find some purpose in his life. His mind is forever wandering, and the worst moments of his life keep returning to haunt him. Please r/r.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. The characters and situations are all the property of J. K. Rowling and her publishers.

***

There is a hole somewhere in my being, and all that I am is being sucked out through it. Why am I here? Who am I? I just don't know any more.

Must think. Must remember. I…I…I am Sirius Black, prisoner of Azkaban. Yes. Why am I here? In this place? This place is terrible, it's horrible, I have nothing to live for anymore and I… No. Stop that. Stop it. My only hope to survive this place is to stay sane. I must fight this.

I search my soul for whatever there is that is left, that hasn't been taken from me. Memories are slipping away from me like fog in a strong wind. But not everything. I remember some things all to clearly.The terrible things that I have seen in my time. I'm searching for something, anything that will give me a clue as to why I'm here. What did I do to deserve this torture? Think…must think. Oh no. Oh my god, no. I remember. Please let it not be so, PLEASE!!! No…

Lilly and James…they're…dead. And I killed them. I sold them to Voldemort. I was their secret keeper, and I sold them out to the enemy. I killed my best friends… No, wait. No. I didn't kill them. It was…who was it? (Why can't I remember?) It was…Peter. Peter killed them. We changed, he was the keeper. And he betrayed them!! I am innocent. That thought cannot be taken from me. These…things, these Dementors cannot suck that away from me. It does not fit through the hole they have gouged in me, it is the wrong shape.

I am Sirius Black, wrongfully accused. That is all I have left. Identity, and innocence.

But that doesn't help me…I'm trapped here for all eternity. I've already been here for…for…how long have I been here? I have lost track of time. I could have been here a day, or a century. I don't think it matters any more. My fellow inmates are all losing their minds. Suffocating in the darkness that the Dementors have dredged up from the depths of their souls. They try to hold on to something to keep them sane, a thought, a memory, but it has all slipped away from them. But I have something to hold on to. I can stay sane.

I keep experiencing flashbacks to all the worst times in my life. I see the school, and every fight I had with James, or Remus, or anyone, is playing before my eyes with crystal clarity. It threatens to drown me, but I fight it. Memories…I remember every time I got in trouble at school. Every time I was caught playing pranks. There was one time that a boy was almost killed because of me…because of a childish prank. I don't remember what it was, but I remember the punishments. So I was a killer even back then…I haven't changed…no…no, Sirius, that's not the truth. Hold on to the truth…

Faces swim before my eyes, images of other places. But I can attach no significance to them. They are like photographs of places I have never been. But I know I have been there. I have to think. The images are all of the one place. The school. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And wherever I went in that place, James went as well. James…my closest and most trusted friend. The times at school were…what's the word? Happy. Happy…But that word no longer has any meaning to me. It's just a word. What do people do when they are happy? I used to know, I am sure of that.

More scenes before my eyes: James and Lilly. They met at school, and James fell head over heels for her. And she for him. I was always jealous of James. I never admitted that to anyone. I was not jealous that he had Lilly, I was jealous that he had found true love. He found it, and I never did. And now I never will. Not in this place. Maybe that was why I killed them…because they had something that was always out of reach for me. I sold them to Voldemort because I was jealous…

NO!!! You fool!! It was Peter who killed them, not you!!

That's right…I'm innocent. Innocent.

Peter killed them. Peter, our friend, had been the spy all along. Wormtail…Why was he called Wormtail? Because…because…because he could turn into a rat. Why…?

Remus. We did it for Remus. Remus is a werewolf. The memories are there, they are just so hard to drag up. Remus is a werewolf, and we learned to change so we could be with him. James and Peter and me. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. I remember…no, no I don't remember. Those memories have been stolen from me.

I can change into a dog. James and I learnt how to do it. We helped Peter, the little rat. How appropriate…Peter…What happened that night, the night he betrayed his friends?

I have no trouble remembering that. It is the most tragic memory I have, and the Dementors drag it up for me again and again. I went to Peter's house, to check up on him. But he was gone. It didn't feel right. I flew to James and Lilly's house, but I was too late…I will never forget that sight. The house was in ruins, the whole thing destroyed. And Harry…little Harry, my godson, lying there in the burning wreckage, with a hideous scar on his forehead. And someone else was there…Hagrid. Ruebus Hagrid. He wouldn't let me take Harry…said Dumbledore had some kind of plan. If I wasn't going to be allowed to take Harry, then there was only one course of action left open to me. I gave Hagrid my motorcycle…I wouldn't be needing it anymore.

I knew that I would end up here regardless. If Peter escaped, I would be sent here for the murder of Lilly and James. But if I had my way, I would be sent here for the murder of Peter Pettigrew…But he killed himself. Blew apart an entire street, full of muggles, just to escape me. The coward…

And now I'm here. I'm sane; at least I am after a fashion. But the grief is too much to bear. I failed them…Even if I didn't kill them myself, I as good as did it. James, can you ever forgive me? We used to be such a team. Padfoot and Prongs. I can still do it, you know. I can still change into a dog. I haven't done it in so long, not since we graduated. But what does it matter anymore? I'll do it now, James. For old times sake.

Something's different. I feel…sharper. My mind and thoughts are more precise. The darkness is still there, but I can almost cut through it. In this form my thoughts are simpler, more instinctive. I've discovered something that no one knows. I can beat the dementors now. I can stay sane. But why? Why do I want to stay sane? There's nothing left for me. Everyone thinks I betrayed them, but I didn't. No one will believe that I'm innocent.

_ _

_I know the answer to that question. I must stay sane, because some day, I will clear my name. All I have is identity and innocence._

_ _

_I am Sirius Black, and I am innocent._

_ _

_ _

***

Time has passed. Time is passing. I don't know how much of it, or how quickly. But the routine of the prison has changed. Someone's coming. It's an inspection, or something like that. I can't let them see me like this, I have to change back.

_ _

I still can't see who it is, but it's definitely an inspection. Wait…I see him now. It's Cornelius Fudge, the minister for magic. Well well well. He's coming this way. He's inspecting all the maximum-security prisoners. And I am in the highest of high security. Yes, he's coming in, flanked by two Dementors. In his pompous clothes and his bowler hat, with his newspaper under his arm…a newspaper. I can find out how long I've been here…

***

"Good morning Minister."

He looks thunderstruck. He can't believe I'm able to talk like this to him.

"Ummm, it's afternoon, Black."

"Is it? Well, you sort of loose track of time in here, I'm sure you can imagine."

"Yes indeed. Well, as you might have guessed. I'm conducting an inspection of this facility, Black."

"Yes, I guessed as much. Is everything up to scratch?"

My mind's trying to drift, but I need to concentrate. I have to get that newspaper.

"Ahh, yes, everything seems to be in order. Well, ummm, I'm on a busy schedule Black, so I'll have to leave now."

He's really spooked now.

"Oh of course, Minister, I wouldn't dream of keeping you waiting."

"Well then, I'll, ahh, be off, I suppose."

Now…

"Oh Minister, before you go, I was wondering if I could ask you a favour."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I was just wondering if I could have your newspaper, if you're finished with it. It's kind of silly, I know, but…well…I miss doing the crossword."

He looks absolutely dumbfounded. This is so…what's the word? Funny. But that word doesn't have any meaning anymore either. What do people do when they find something funny? I don't know anymore. Ahh, he's handing me the paper!! Success.

_ _

***

Ok, let's see now. Date…date. Oh god. Oh my god. I've been here twelve years…Oh god. Now I regret doing this. Now I have a number put on my suffering. This is too much. I can't take this…No, must get a grip…transform…TRANSFORM DAMMIT!!

Ok. Calm down. Calm down, Sirius. Now that you've got the paper, you may as well read it. Find out what's been happening. It'sobviously a slow news day. The front-page story's just some family who's won a sweepstakes. Went to Egypt with the money. God, that's a lot of children. All of them tall with bright hair and freckles. Hang on…what the…oh my god. It can't be. That's impossible. I saw him die!

_ _

_One of the boys has a rat on his shoulder. It can't be who I think it is. But a closer look confirms it. It is him. It's Peter. God, I would recognise him anywhere. How many times have I seen him transform? But…but he's dead. No…wait…he must have transformed when he blew the street apart and escaped down into the sewers. Good lord, he's even more of a coward than I thought. But wait…if he's alive…then that means that my life has a purpose again._

_ _

_Before today, all I had was identity and innocence. But now I have something else to keep me going: revenge. Not for myself, for James and Lilly. I have to get out of here, I have to find him. Where is he? Allright…it says here that the boy's name is Ron. And…he's going back to Hogwarts in September. Yes…I have you now Peter._

_ _

I am Sirius Black, and I will have my revenge.

It will be mine. I can finally commit the murder I was imprisoned for. I've found him. 

He's at Hogwarts…he's at Hogwarts…


End file.
